It never fails

Sunday and Monday evenings are the two days where I really feel like an adult. Adult with responsibilities weighing on my shoulders. The choices I make are ones I have to carefully think about now versuses when I was in my twenties or younger. Or the amount of hours I put in for searches for open positions, the closes I make, or the counseling I provide to candidates and clients matter so much more now then they ever did before. The desire to pursue something new but knowing I need to stay put and pursure the dream on the side. Keeping it going while E is flying every week or sitting reserve in my old home town.

Who knew taking out the trash, recycling or the green bins to the curb for pick-up and back up to the house every week would have so much symbolism attach to it.

How do you know if you are ready to buy the ticket and get on the train

This is my analogy with E and me about having babies. We want to step up to the ticket booth, we want to buy the ticket, we've even tried to purchase the ticket but we aren't sure we want to get on the train.
So my question is how do you know if you are ready to make that step and bring a child into this world?
E shared with me after his last trip that he is ready. I think am but at the same time, I am not sure. I can't quite tell you why we should wait except for fear? maybe.
I am a thinker, by nature. So I constantly analyze my thoughts. Am I really having baby fever or is it that I just want the next thing because my life has moved in warp speed since I met my husband that I need the next thing? Then at the same time, I find myself looking just a little bit longer at the pregnant women I see. Admiring their bellies. I see pictures and listen to other parents talk about their babies and kids and my heart skips. When I think hard about if I or my hubby would be a good parent--no doubts. I don't worry about how it will change my life because I know it will and we will adjust. I've thought how wonderful it would be to have a chunky baby sitting on my lap and it being my child, watch and nurture its growth. It gives me such a wonderful feeling inside.
I do worry about finances and that I will have to go back to work. Will I be able to find good care and can we afford it. But I can't imagine that is a reason to wait. Or is it? I guess the biggest thing that scares me is taking that leap and letting G-d/nature take over. I've controlled my body for so long with birth control. This month is a year since being off the pill, however I still have had control over not getting pregnant. Now with my hubby sharing with me that he is ready. Am I ready to give up that control, give in to what i think my instincts might be saying and seeing what happens?

just breathe....

Sometimes it takes some time away to realize how great it is to come back home to familiar surroundings to make your thoughts come back to perspective. Thanks again to all the warm comments--it truly means so much.
Taking a step back, I'll share what was going on last time I posted.
The week of my last post, we found out E got the job with American Eagle as a first officer pilot. YAY!

I'll be honest my first reaction was not so positive. On the outside for him, I was extremely excited. On the inside--scared, sad--weepy to be exact, and well, just plain scared. Scared of more change. Scared of what this means for us financially for the next 5 or so years while he is just getting started at a regional airline, scared of what it could possibly mean for me and our marriage knowing he will be gone so much until he gets to a point with a major airline and has established seniority.Scared about what this means for us and my desire to start adding to our family of two. So with all this emotion, I became REALLY WEEPY. Weepy to the point that it was difficult for me to admit what I was thinking and feeling.

I am very fortunate to have such a great support system here, that I started to share my feelings and began to seek advice from others who have been or are in my similar situation. I also gained the confidence to share my thoughts and feelings with E--while we were downing a bottle of celebratory champagne. Gotta love bubbly courage.

Nonetheless, I received positive support from everyone! This enabled me to get back on my feet and realize that it will all be okay and life in general will have a way of working itself out--family, finances and all.

So, I am in the midst of trying to get caught up with everyone..I have missed you all so.

note to self--don't take things personally

Throughout the day today I've been rehashing a conversation that took place last night. I can't help but feel extremely pissed off, annoyed and personally attacked by this individual. I recognized that this person was giving my husband "pilot career advice" and validating some of the thoughts Eli has about certain airlines or a pilot path he should or should not take. However,when you tell the wife that it sucks that she is in a good job or not mobile..meaning able to pick up and move for her husband's job as a pilot, you piss the living hell out of her and she is not going to be nice in future conversations you have with her for the rest of the evening.
Let's go back in time....
Eli and I head over to a family friend's home for a great Christmas dinner. Upon arriving, Eli meets a friend who is a pilot for a commercial airline. These two immediately start talking for a very long time. I am chatting up everyone else, catching up with my MIL, etc. Next thing I know, we are in a conversation of why we decided to buy instead of rent, questions on whether or not I am mobile or if my job allows me to be mobile and then I hear that I suck because my job is good and that Eli can't move around for his pilot training and that he should be sleeping on couches etc. When this comes out, I become extremely defensive and say that I have been there done that--paid my dues for my job and that we are lucky that I have a decent paying job so that Eli can pursue his dream. I understand what it takes for him to get to where he needs to be--being away ALOT of the time. I get that, I am not happy about it, but I get that. Eli comes in on my behalf and explains to this guy how supportive I am, etc. Finally this guy gets it and is all about how great I am. Sweet.
I know Eli knows that I am fully on board with his dream and I am beginning to understand that being married to a pilot is not going to be easy. Right now we are getting by on my salary which is great but I know how much he hates that I am pulling the weight around here. I think what pissed me off about this guy is how one sided he was. I know you don't know what you don't know and it is very obvious that he has no idea what being married means or even how your choices in life affect others. I guess it just made me so mad that here I am giving up things--willingly so that my husband can have the career of his dreams--so don't tell me that I suck. Because honestly I don't.
I don't know if this guy meant it or not or that it was the wine talking but he seriously made me upset. This of course lead to me being very sarcastic--I daresay bitchy towards him at dinner. Eli then got pissed at me for being a bitch--ummm didn't this guy tell me that I suck????!!!!

note to self--get over it and don't take things personally because it is not worth the extra energy it takes to get upset over it.

We did it

I just signed our counter offer acceptance! My salary is going to our mortgage and I am so freaking excited and completely overwhelmed. I have already downed two glasses of wine and making my way to the 3rd. I just found out that we will sign the papers on 10/22. Our first anniversary date. We take ownership of the house on 10/30.
Inspection is on Saturday. We are fairly confident all will go well.

emotional highs and lows of buying a house

after pouring over the disclosure notices, we have decided to hold off on this one particular house. It sucks. It was such a cute little place. However, it being the same age as my grandmother and like my grandmother, the house is not so stable..this is not the type of project we need to take on as first time home buyers. So we are back to square 2. After talking with my MIL who is also our realtor, I shared with her my sadness of letting this house go. She understood but offered such great insight that made me appreciate her more and more. She said to me that her desire is to put us in a home where she can look my parents in the eye and with out a doubt say that we have a home that she feels and knows that we are safe and secure in. This particular home she could not. I respect that view point. Especially as we are embarking on Eli's career change. Which means, I will be without him more then I am with him as he begins his new career as a commerical pilot.
On Thursday, during her broker tour, she came across this cute thing of a house. She was so excited to tell me about it. When I got home Thursday eveing, she showed me the listing. I instantly fell in love. We called eli who was in Vegas to tell him about it. He was so excited to hear my excitement that he gave me full permission to write an offer if I was still in love with it after I go and see it on Saturday. Now because it is a new listing it is safe to say that we can wait for Eli to get home on Monday to view the house himself before we make any plans on offers. ahhh, the saga continues.....

coffee twalk

I am sitting here with my second cup of coffee for the day recapping my morning..it is only 11:15am..though I have to say here in my little tiny world I had a big morning. you might be asking, so what did she do that is so big...well.. I had a gym date! Yes, I made a new friend, her name is Lacy. WHOOT! WHOOT!

We decided to meet up to do some cardio this morning before our Yoga class (Lacy and I met while waiting for a Monday night yoga class). We did some cardio and chatted. We got on the subject of real estate--she is a real estate agent. We both were commiserating on the market out here. She did give me some great insight to the market that is ridiculously inflated out here in Southern Cali. We then go to YOGA--holy cow--did we get our butts kicked! I am still trying to recover from this class. I got such a great workout then I came home and just devoured my leftovers from last nights dinner out. I was so hungry! sheesh, who knew yoga and a little cardio in the morning could kick your bootie to the point you cannot control your hunger.

Last weekend I was in Chicago for SIL baby shower. The shower was nice..lots of people turned out and she received great gifts for the baby. What I really want to talk about is the house, I mean MANSION the shower was held. So I have never been in a $4MM dollar house and I do not believe I will ever be again. So I decided to take myself on a self guided tour of this place and take some pictures. The level of architecture and detail and the size of the granite counter tops literally blew me away. The house had 4 levels..downstairs had a whole nanny quarters and kitchen for their live in nanny. There was also a rooftop deck that you could see the beautiful Chicago skyline. I included some pics down below.

This week we also went to look at a few properties..OMG! THEY WERE HORRIBLE!!! I am more shocked at the level of horribleness that people allow themselves to live in and these are not dirt poor folks. I guess if we had more money we could take into account a fixer upper and see past some of the crazy things people do to their homes. I don't know my head is spinning with what is the right thing to do.

One thing I should mention is that "we are still free to move about the country" as two guys from E's work at Southwest stepped up b/c they didn't want him to quit and the three of them are going to shift trade. YAY!!! So which means E can still work at Southwest--two days a week, those 2 days will most likely be doubles which = money coming in--and we don't have to dip into our savings as much. This also means E can do the fast track program for his pilot training. AND the best part of it all (at least for me is that I still can retain the flight beneies) Those Flight benefits are my saving grace to get me back east. Those flight beneies are the reason I agreed to move out here so that I can get back to see my folks and friends at my pleasure. Deep breathe of relief that everything is working out. I am sure the "buy or not buy" question will figure itself out as well.

I am starting to smell up the joint so I must take a shower..we are heading to SF today for tomorrow Bay to Breakers and the SF youth orchestra reunion.

Here are some pictures of the 4MM house....












My girls-Corianne, Ashlee, Me and Cari

May Day, May Day..

Wow, I cannot believe it is May 1st! Craziness! So it is official, Eli is quitting his job!! On June 15th I will become a Sugar Mama! Well, half sugar mama, we have to dip into our savings to get us through b/c my income just doesn't quite cover everything. Darn! I am visioning large bonuses for the remainder of this year. I received a sizable bonus for Q1 and so we are spoiling ourselves with some gadgets, couples massage and nice dinner out and the remaining will go to a beater car since we only have one car right now. It will be nice to replenish our savings and get us back on the housing track next year.

So I have caught the Yoga bug. I am going two to three times a week and I am loving it. I am amazed at the health benefits--dealing with stress, relaxation and as well as the physical benefits--I feel so strong and since I am so not flexible it is really helping loosen up my hammies and my lower back, plus I feel so sexy!!! My arms and shoulders are getting shapely.

I bought the Yoga book for dummies so I can understand where Yoga orginated and how to breathe--b/c that is the HARDEST part of Yoga...keeping your breathe regulated and using it to help you move into the positions. I am really identifying with Yoga philosphy of living as it as helped me become very centered. Creating a peaceful mood in my heart and remembering your connections with everyone and everything has really helped me be more open to what is around me. Letting go any negative feelings that I may be harboring--because negativity is what brings us down, makes us sick, unable to move forward with our lives. It is definitly giving me an outlet as I handle the changes in our life and this adventure we are about to embark with Eli.

This month is a busy month for us. This weekend we are heading up to the bay area and going eli camping..which is hiking a mile or two or three to the campsite and carrying only what you can on your back. This will be my first adventure with Eli camping. Should be fun. My new hiking boots are broken in and Eli doesn't mind carrying my clothes in his pack so I think I am ready. :)

Next weekend is my SIL's baby shower in Chicago. Another trip to chi-town. The following weekend is a couples shower in Cincinatti for a college friend of mine. I am going to try to see if I can get there flying standby..Thankfully we have nothing planned for Memorial Day Weekend, just Eli's normal work schedule.

Oh tidbit--my new favorite author Jen Lancaster who wrote Bitter is the New Black has a new book out called Bright Lights Big Ass. It's out today and I am counting down the hours till Eli get's back with the car so I can run out to the bookstore to pick it up. Check out her link on my blog--Jennsylvania. For some reason I cannot insert the link in the post.

Happy Tuesday!

Typical Tuesday

Typical Tuesday here. Eli finally got to fly this morning before heading off to his regular job ( he was in a very good mood this morning and when he got home before heading off to work). We found out that we can get on my company's health insurance if E should decide to quit his job and fly full-time. That was a huge weight off my shoulders. Now we are starting to look into a second car..beater car actually. He will commuting to Riverside, CA and while I work from home, my job does require me to meet with candidates and clients. I have already managed to double book our current car a few times. So it will be nice to be a two car family instead of one.

So without us really saying YES, we are going to do this, I think we are well on our way to do actually having him quit. AHHHHH. kind of crazy.

On another note we are doing date night tomorrow. The Newport Beach Film Festival is going on right now. I went and saw Klunkerz on Sunday. It was great! All about how the sport of mountain biking started and its evolution. It is crazy to think that these name brands of bikes such as Gary Fisher and Specialized Bikes actually played a real life role in getting mountain biking to what it is now.

So E and I are going to see a movie at 8:30pm. I am not sure which one he picked out since he rattled off about 10 he wanted to see. I was working when he was naming everything, so nothing processed on what he chose. So I guess it will be a nice surprise. Should be nice to get out for a bit since our week days are usually all over the place with his crazy schedule.

Off to watch my latest addiction...Search for the next Pussycat Doll. I think tonight is the finale! Go Melissa R!!

6 months ago today we were married...

we were marrid on sunday, october 22, 2006 at 4pm. What a wonderful, happy, amazing day that was. What a road we have traveled since then. So far the road's been good. Filled with tons of laughter and tears (mostly my tears..tears of adjustment to my new surroundings). We are learning so much about each other. My mom was right that this move will bring us closer and closer. I already feel so close to him, even more so then the day we were married. I am learning so much about me and how I handle situations. We are trying to learn to adjust to Eli's opposite schedule to mine. And how that is going to be our life from here on out.

We are coming up on big decision on whether or not we can afford to have E quit his job to flight train full-time so that he can finish up his flight program in 90 days rather then 10 months. It is an interesting feeling to have on your shoulders that your earnings will be the one to sustain the lifesyle or rather pay the bills. I have a new found respect for men and women who soley provide for their family. I feel like one big ADULT.

The are many upsides to doing this and I have a feeling we will be able to do this once we take a look at our financial situation, figure out how we can get a second car and health insurance coverage. This does put our house search on hold for now and possibly our one year anniversary vacation plans. I do believe the sacrafice and compromise will be worth it.